Chapter 1: "Wednesday" P-001 - P-003) All three of these paragraphs are constructed with nonsensical, pretentious bullshit. The first paragraph introduces the city of Malley. The second paragraph introduces Glory High School. The third paragraph quickly introduces Mr. Watts. Then, Hailey and Wednesday are described sitting at their desks. This shit needs an enema. It puts me in a coma reading this fake-ass shit. What is this-- a fucking after school special? Get the fuck outta here with this shit. P-004 - P-025) Pretentious dialog. Some of the worst I've ever read. wtf?? I feel like (mostly), each sentence should be replaced with a slightly better one. P-026) Minor corrections needed. P-027 - P-038) More pretentious dialog. I believe sentence for sentence replacement would work fine. P-039) Minor corrections needed. P-040 - P-051) A mixture of (mostly) pretentious dialog and some descriptive language. P-052) Description of Travis' pickup. It's not good. :( P-053 - P-068) Decent dialog and some decent storytelling (first in the novel). Could probably use some correcting. P-069 - P-078) This is where Tommy starts in with his shit (trying to steal Vicky's keys). Kinda weird-- doesn't feel natural. Then, Paul and Joe start trying to tear Tommy away from Vicky. It's fucking dumb. It hurts to read. P-079 - P-081) Descriptions of Dora Lane (while Hailey walks home). First really whack descriptions I ever wrote (if I recall). Really wonderful to read. Endlessly fascinating. Poke for corrections. P-082 - P-083) Tommy and Vicky arguing as they pass by. Not sure how I feel about that dumb shit, either. :\ P-084 - P-090) More descriptions of Dora Lane. Then, Hailey crosses the Patrick Peterson. Probably needs touching up. P-091 - P-093) Dialog between Hailey and crack-head lady. That pretentious shit needs work, too. Thankfully, that's everything. Chapter 2: "Larry" P-001) The pretentious, Trainspotting wannabe shit again? wtf?? P-002) Description of Hailey's home and mother. P-003 - P-013) Decent dialog plus descriptions and actions. P-014 - P-016) Description of Hailey's bedroom. P-017 - P-019) Description of Hailey at home when she was nine (her mom and Larry show up). P-020 - P-022) Dialog between Hailey and Larry (cigarette burn). P-023 - P-025) Description of Hailey's mother being beaten when she was 11. P-026 - P-031) Hailey and Larry dialog. Hailey gets her ass handed to her. P-032 - P-033) Description of Larry beating Hailey and Helen. P-034) Description of Hailey when she was 14. P-035) Dialog + more description. P-036 - P-042) Dialog + Larry trying to make out with Hailey. P-043 - P-045) Helen points gun at Larry and makes him leave. P-046 - P-047) Description of Hailey's feelings. Hailey starts studying. Chapter 3: "Aphasia" P-001) Still-- some pretentious Transpotting wannabe shit. lol. P-002 - P-003) toenail painting; Blades of Sloth and living room argument; touch up P-004) Larry studying Helen, fantasizing about Hailey; needs TLC P-005 - P-006) some "Telltale Heart" wannabe bullshit-- except the descriptions are TERRIBLE; yuck P-007 - P-008) more "Telltale Heart" wannabe shit-- except Larry is breaking into Hailey's bedroom; Larry uses a knife to pick an in-swinging door-- BULLSHIT; Hailey's mom is passed out; and, Larry has chased this "Dan" guy away (clearly, on purpose); Larry *kicks* the fucking door down, rips off Hailey's pajamas, and fucking rapes the shit out of her!!! (obviously); also, Larry standing over Hailey's bed P-009) Larry subdues Hailey and rapes her-- all in this one paragraph!!; he does it doggy style, laying on top of her P-010) Hailey "re-plays" the incident inside her mind (except, no details are EVER GIVEN); Hailey punches the wall P-011) Hailey throws up, cleans (and discovers) bloody knuckles, returns to bed, and hugs her kitty. P-012) Hailey can't sleep; she fantasizes about ripping out Larry's guts and bathing in his blood P-013) Hailey discusses her living situation with her kitty (which is really dumb and childish) P-014) Hailey rationalizes not calling the police because she doesn't want to be judged in court (which is ridiculous); she rationalizes not calling the police because-- she's afraid; but also, she wants to kill that cocksucker P-015) Basically, Hailey comes to the conclusion mentioned previously P-016) Hailey cries and screams; then, she wraps her knuckles in duct tape Chapter 4: "Thursday" P-001 - P-005) re-structure sentences (mainly) P-006 - P-009) descriptions of Hailey undressing, showering, and recalling her rape are pretty childish P-010 - P-011) re-structure P-012 - P-013) strangely describing the way most cities are at different times of day, then talking about peace being interrupted by turning car (wtf?) P-014 - P-016) re-structure P-017) Martin's clothes?? P-018 - P-034) dialog (needs slight changes, but decent; includes dialog from P-017) P-035) re-structure P-036 - P-061) dialog and interaction between Hailey and Wednesday; decent, but needs changes P-062) re-structure (Vicky's "school girl" outfit) P-063) dialog between Vicky, Paul, Joe, Tommy (needs work; what are Paul, Joe, and Tommy wearing?); definitely sensing pretentiousness P-075 - P-087) Tommy starts some dumb shit; watch this!! P-088 - P-111) Travis, Jennifer, Gary, and Tate added (watch pretentious dialog) Chapter 5: "Psychology" P-001) re-structure P-002 - P-013) Ms. Goodwin needs clothes (she's naked??); Hailey and Wednesday dialog P-014 - P-017) Ms. Goodwin and Travis dialog; Travis asks if his behavior from Wednesday is on tape; would Travis be smart enough to ask this (in this way)? P-018 - P-021) Hailey says hi to Travis; Wednesday tells Hailey that was dumb, but she just told Hailey to talk to him??; Wednesday should not tell Hailey to talk to Travis because she does not like him; Travis' reaction to Hailey's gesture doesn't seem right to me P-022) re-structure (probably get rid of pretentious Jackie Chan bullshit; this is not a cheesy Stephen King novel) P-023) Hailey says hi to Travis a second time P-024 - P-029) dialog between many different people; re-structure P-030) Mr. Tinney's lesson triggers Hailey to recall her rape; add sexual imagery (so it does not seem as though a twelve year old virgin wrote this story) P-031 - P-036) dialog about Wednesday not doing her homework P-037 - P-040) exchange between Hailey and Gwen about child molesters; do we get to see what Gwen looks like? P-041) Hailey points out the correct answer for Wednesday P-042 - P-046) Mr. Tinney discussing rape w/ Hailey P-047) Mr. Tinney asking about pathology; Hailey not answering P-048 - P-057) Hailey spouting off about pathology P-058 - P-059) Maslow P-060) Hailey makes antlers at Gwen; childish? P-061) Hailey runs to the bathroom and throws up P-062) Hailey washing her knuckles; thinks about Larry and PTSD; not sure about the PTSD stuff P-063) Hailey's self administered PTSD treatment causes her to punch a locker?? :\ P-064) Wednesday asks Hailey about her hand; clearly, this will need to change P-065) it says only a couple of drops of blood leak on the floor; lol P-066 - P-068) more dialog about Hailey's knuckles; Wednesday says she heard Hailey punch a locker P-069 - P-072) Wednesday asks if she can use the bathroom; really she is washing blood off her hands Chapter 6: "Kind Words" P-001 - P-005) Hailey and Wednesday dialog; why does Hailey not say good-bye to her friend? :\ P-006) girls' restroom details (nice); re-structure; probably going to leave strange acknowledgement that the world seems different when you feel like throwing up; I put that in there because I truly know how that feels P-007) Hailey checks a hallway clock; she spots Travis P-008 - P-013) Hailey and Travis dialog; Travis says Hailey looks "lonely" (which is fine for a narcissist to think, I suppose); but then, Hailey admits he is right?? :/ P-014) Jennifer and Travis start making out; no details (lol) P-015 - P-017) Travis and Jennifer spank each other (which is pretty hilarious and will probably stay); Hailey approaches P-018) Jennifer shoves Hailey into some lockers; Hailey punches her in the nose P-019) Hailey starts pounding Jennifer's face while she's lying on the floor; Travis jabs Hailey in the throat with his fingers (which I don't quite understand?); security drags Hailey away; Hailey finds herself awakening to the sound of Wednesday's voice P-020) Hailey is holding ice to her head (because of the lockers) in the school nurse's office; Wednesday is screaming to be let in to see her friend; Hailey says to let her in (which fucking-- actually makes sense!!!; congratulations, 25 year old Michael!!) P-021 - P-033) dialog between Hailey, Wednesday, and nurse; Wednesday cusses out a school security guard who was trying to keep her out of the office (which I like); the nurse reveals Hailey is having trouble remembering her name (which could make sense, but is totally unnecessary) P-034 - P-051) the nurse reveals how long Hailey is suspended and that she knocked out Jennifer's molar; Wednesday tells Hailey she should've aimed for Jennifer's front teeth; the girls discover that Hailey is going to miss her Algebra II test (downer) P-052 - P-060) the nurse releases Hailey; she won't allow Wednesday to leave with her friend (which is (I believe) school policy in most places); Wednesday pretends to be sick, but the (clearly intelligent) nurse quickly clears her for class by tongue depressing her (and immediately claiming "No-- you ain't sick, girl." P-061 - P-070) Wednesday is worried Travis and his friends will do something to Hailey; the guard lets Wednesday know that Ms. Gord is looking for her; he explains Wednesday left to go to the restroom and never came back; Wednesday hugs Hailey and leaves P-071 - P-081) the nurse tells Hailey she can't get a hold of her mother; Hailey tells her to keep trying; the nurse tells Hailey to go home and lay down (which is pretty sweet of her) P-082 - P-093) a guard ("Don") escorts Hailey to the end of the campus (which I *know* is school policy because I've been suspended before); Hailey and Don have a conversation about walking and how unwilling Don's kid is to walk the distance Hailey walks to school every day (which is kinda boring, but carries us with Hailey to the end of the sidewalk; there, Hailey decides to wait at Linda Park for Wednesday the rest of the day) Chapter 7: "Ice Cold" P-001 - P-003) description of Linda Park, Wednesday's house, and picnic area; Hailey's stressors discussed P-004 - P-009) Travis and Gary arrive at Bull's Eye; dialog P-010 - P-015) Travis and Gary start picking out baseball bats P-016) Gary makes a remark about Jennifer's missing tooth; Travis wayy underreacts P-017 - P-018) dialog P-019) Travis worries about cameras; but, he just finished threatening Gary?? P-020 - P-021) dialog; buying rope P-022 - P-024) Travis and Gary discuss the fight P-025) duct tape; shovels discussed P-026 - P-028) discussion about types of shovels P-029 - P-031) discussion about needing anything else; the boys decide to get bailing wire P-032 - P-035) the boys head to checkout P-036 - P-043) discussion about how Gary's dad is going to react to the boys' purchase; total and checkout P-044 - P-046) cashier questions what Gary and Travis are doing; Travis answers "school project" P-047 - P-049) discussion about a tarp P-050) Travis leaves to backup pickup P-051 - P-053) Gary attempts discussion w/ person Travis freaked out; can this be removed?; Jennifer walks in; Gary tries not to laugh at her face; he calls Jennifer "Rudolf" P-054) truck loaded P-055) Vicky screams Hailey's location P-056 - P-062) pretentious Tommy bullshit; so, watch this! P-063 - P-064) Hailey is bored out of her mind; if she's such a bookworm, why is she not reading?; or, studying??; a black crow flies in; Hailey gets mad because it flies away and does not keep her company; but, I mean-- why not read?; Travis, etc show up P-065) Hailey cheeses it w/o her shoes; Vicky hits Hailey w/ her car P-066 - P-069) they grab Hailey and tape her up; Vicky is not sure she wants to hurt Hailey; I would like to *really* play this up (and, that is not done) P-070 - P-072) Travis and Jennifer start beating Hailey up; Hailey reveals Jennifer pushed her first; Vicky should ask about this, later; Travis tapes Hailey's lips before she says anything else P-073 - P-075) Hailey loaded into Vicky's car P-076) Travis and Gary decide no one saw them P-077 - P-081) Tommy slaps Hailey's butt; does he, though?; he discovers Hailey's mouth tape is peeling; Hailey explains how to tape her mouth, properly; Tommy is bewildered by this; Joe re-tapes Hailey's lips P-082 - P-084) Gary rolls a joint in Travis' truck; it's so pretty, Travis almost doesn't want to smoke it; almost; he goes on and on about this; seriously-- who gives a fuck?; when they smoke it, Travis realizes he's smoking "the good stuff"; again, who cares? P-085 - P-087) Tate tells Jennifer she looks good even though her face is fucked up P-088 - P-089) Tate slides into the front seat while the truck is driving down the road; Jennifer freaks out; she didn't freak out when Travis took off with Paul hanging from the truck; does she freak out now?; Tate hugs Jennifer and tells her "I love you"; they are on their way to kill someone; do they really act this way?; either they are shit nuts or they are not; which one is it?; the Church is described P-090 - P-091) Travis unloads Hailey and taunts her; Hailey looks around (because she is not stupid) P-092 - P-093) Travis cracks a light tube over Hailey's head; then, many more are cracked over Hailey's cranium P-094 - P-096) Hailey's arms are all cut up; this can't be (it's a *plot hole*); blood pooling around the cups of Hailey's bra makes her embarassed; uh-- no it doesn't; Hailey spits blood in Travis' face; Travis does not freak out (at all)?; they tie Hailey's wrists with rope; Gary makes some intricate knots (and, has a "knack for such things"); um, really? P-097 - P-100) Hailey starts kicking at Gary; Gary ties her ankles; Hailey makes fun of them for just "tying her up over and over"; :\ ; Travis explains by saying the duct tape was wet P-101) more light tubes (this time, Hailey's body is cut up); this is another *plot hole* P-102) Hailey bloody as shit and breathing heavy; this needs better descriptions!!!; if it does not make people vomit, it's NOT GOOD ENOUGH!; Travis shows Hailey a bat P-103) Hailey asks Travis if he's turned on by her bloodied tits P-104) Travis cracks Hailey's shin with a bat P-105) Hailey is savagely beaten with bats (another *plot hole*) P-106) Hailey is in pain; Travis asks for baling wire P-107) Paul gets baling wire and cutters; lights a smoke; Paul and Vicky shake their heads at each other, serruptitiously P-108 - P-112) Hailey tied up w/ baling wire (another *plot hole*); breathing heavy; Paul protests P-113) Travis threatens Paul; Travis encourages people to scream in Hailey's face P-114 - P-117) Paul screams in Hailey's face (but does not want to); he goes to Vicky's car to reflect P-118) more light tubes; more ball bats P-119 - P-120) Tommy encouraged to hurt Hailey, but he wants to finish up instead; Paul gets out of Vicky's car P-121) Travis gives the order to finish Hailey; Gary ties a noose P-122) Travis talks some shit to Hailey P-123) Hailey tells Travis she just wanted him to be happy P-124) Travis says Hailey's crazy P-125) Paul pulls the noose (*plot hole*); Hailey weighs less than 80 lbs?? P-126) Travis: lets get some floor dry Chapter 8: "Grounded" (I *hate* this title; so pretentious; I will probably leave it-- it *does* technically fit the narrative of this chapter) P-001) "When it comes to the filthy business of murder"??; lol; this whole paragraph needs to change; just mention Travis and his friends are burying Hailey somewhere other than the Church P-002) "Malley was like Las Vegas and the Mojave Desert"??; seriously?; no, it was not; just say there were many locations on the outskirts of town to bury a body P-003) Travis picks a "perfect" spot to bury Hailey's "body"; Gary randomly has a pocket watch??; do Travis and his friends really *care* what time it is? P-004 - P-005) Hailey and other evidence taken out of Vicky's Station Cruiser; why do they unload the body first?; that's not the way they did this P-006 - P-007) Tate asks for a cigarette; Paul gives her one; Travis complains about wasting time; this can be comical, but (like so many other funny things in this story) ends up sounding pretentious P-008) again with Gary and his pocket watch?? P-009 - P-011) they bury Hailey P-012 - P-015) pretentious dialog about the ethics of murdering Hailey; Vicky should mention Jennifer pushed Hailey first, but never does; Tommy should think about Hailey's innocent gesture in Vicky's Station Cruiser (but not mention it out loud), but never does P-016) Travis punches Vicky in the nose (which is pretty ironic, but the irony is never mentioned) P-017) Paul grabs Travis' testicles; why does he grab his testicles?? P-018 - P-021) Gary tries to stop Paul; Paul headbutts Gary in the nose; Paul convinces Travis to listen to him P-022) Tommy and Joe try to help Vicky; I kinda wonder if Joe might be more concerned about Gary, but probably not Tommy P-023) Paul tells Travis he'll rip his balls off if he ever touches Vicky again P-024) Jennifer tells Paul to stop assaulting her boyfriend; Paul offers a piece of his t-shirt to soak up Vicky's blood P-025) Paul offers to drive (do we care?); Vicky has her keys tucked in her bra (wtf?); Tate wipes blood from Travis' nose with a tissue (not Jennifer?); they leave to drop off their shovels at the Church P-026 - P-041) conversation about how serious of an issue Hailey really was; again, Vicky never mentions Hailey pushed Jennifer first; Tommy doesn't have much to say; he *does* talk about Hailey's gesture, later (in Chapter 13); maybe mention Tommy is thinking about this right here, but says nothing Chapter 9: "A Comet" P-001) describes the structure of a comet using a theoretical model from standard astronomy; if we're leaving this poppycock, we should mention the electric universe model; but maybe, don't talk about comets so much (or-- at all); maybe just say a well known comet was in the sky; either use a known comet that has a regular orbit, or make one up P-002) supposedly, a comet passed within 500,000 miles of the planet and no one noticed? :\ ; this paragraph is beyond stupid, btw; then again, the next paragraph says "maybe there *was* no comet" P-003) conjecture about how Hailey could still be alive; Hailey works her way out of the dirt; a "pocket of air" is discussed; a pocket of air could be trapped between the trashbags below the one Hailey is laying on; totally plausible; it's also possible Hailey can breath through the dirt (if it's not very deep) P-004) Hailey doesn't remember what happened?; do we want that?; then, Hailey suddenly remembers; yeah-- probably not P-005) Hailey finds her glasses, her blouse, and her shoes in her backpack; no mention of the fact that her blouse is soaked w/ blood P-006) Hailey covers up her "bloody blouse" (there we go) with her hoodie; Hailey scrambles to the road; rain has washed most of the blood away from her clothes; what about her skin?; what about lacerations? P-007) Hailey heads for the freeway; she is freezing; cuts are mentioned on her arms and hands; they are healing; really, I probably meant something like "they are not so bad-- like paper cuts"-- not that they are visibly healing; bruises around Hailey's wrists; she opens a makeup kit (in the rain??); she examines herself with a tiny mirror P-008) Hailey's face has cuts on it; welts and cuts on her belly; she continues towards the freeway in cold, pouring down rain P-009) Hailey wants to get home badly-- but, maybe not (because of Larry); lightning knocks her off of her feet (which is pretty cute) P-010 - P-011) desert details (interesting); Hailey starts running; she falls on her face; one thing's for sure-- Hailey is not running anywhere; she's in pain; she's soaked; and she's carrying four textbooks; she's also highly intelligent; she patiently walks to the freeway to assess her situation; she's also lived a rough life; and, she was recently raped-- at home; if nothing else, she'll spend the night near the freeway; she doesn't have school the next day; she does not give a fuck about getting home P-012) Hailey finds she is 13 miles away from home; she worries no one will stop to pick her up because it's pouring down rain (but, is that true?) P-013) people honk at Hailey and ridicule her (I'm not sure this would happen); Hailey imagines being home in a bubble bath P-014) Lloyd stops next to Hailey; Hailey is hesitant to open the passenger door; this could be *really* played up and develop Lloyd's character, but that never happens; Lloyd could call out Hailey's name, for example (which would demonstrate he's like-- fascinated with her) P-015) Hailey gets into Lloyd's car P-016 - P-025) Lloyd reveals he knows Hailey's name; he introduces himself; Hailey says "that's right"; Hailey *could* remember Lloyd's name on her own (which would show interest from Hailey); Hailey doesn't want to talk about what happened; this is a big mistake (it could start conversation that reveals chemistry); it's (possibly) best for Hailey to reveal as little as possible (otherwise, it would be awkward when Hailey sets up to kill Travis' friends at school); a compromise would be Lloyd asking Hailey about her fight at school; then, Lloyd can secretly suspect what happened; should Lloyd mention something about his brother at this point?; probably not P-026 - P-034) Lloyd offers Hailey a smoke; Hailey says "knock yourself out" (which is kinda rude); details about Lloyd's shredded upholstery; Lloyd plays YKC; why would he do that?; he's trying to talk to the gorgeous girl in his car, right?; this leads to a conversation about YKC; but, the music could have just-- been playing, and Hailey barely notices; or, Lloyd could be like "wanna listen to some music?"; Hailey says the music reminds her of someone, but doesn't explain P-035 - P-036) Lloyd asks how far Hailey walked in the terrible rain (demonstrating he cares a little more about Hailey than he lets on, but he plays it off kinda cool) P-037) Lloyd asks who left Hailey out in the middle of nowhere (and if he should kick their ass); Hailey is not sure if Lloyd can see her face; why doesn't she just tell him-- "did you see my face?" P-038 - P-042) Lloyd pulls up to Hailey's house; only like-- 20 paragraphs for Hailey and Lloyd's first encounter? :( ; Hailey checks for Larry's T-Bird (which is smart); Lloyd seems like he went out of his way to drop Hailey off; but, he pretends like he didn't; he could just be honest about this; Lloyd gives Hailey his number; but, I mean-- have we even seen any chemistry?; Hailey will find this kinda forward; it would be better if Lloyd talked more about watching Hailey speak in their Psychology class P-043 - P-048) Lloyd says Hailey can call him for a date or so he can kick someone's ass (who left Hailey out in the middle of nowhere); this is referenced later, but is (kinda) unnecessary; it could be done differently; Hailey is never clear about which reason she will call for; this could go differently for Lloyd if he and Hailey discussed their feelings, more; Lloyd is a sensitive, intelligent guy; he will use this opportunity to discuss his feelings more Chapter 10: "Homecoming" (this title is stupid and must be changed!) P-001) pretentious BS about psychically sensing a catastrophe before it occurs; wtf?; I think this paragraph can be (safely) deleted P-002) Hailey finds Larry in her living room; what he is doing is not discussed P-003) Larry is chopping up Hailey's mother's strangled body; Hailey reaches her "breaking point" P-004) switches directly to Hailey sneaking into the kitchen to grab a knife; no grieving; no horror; she's just "at her breaking point"; um-- no P-005) Hailey stabs Larry in the nuts P-006 - P-009) fiery dialog between Hailey and Larry (supposed to be); Hailey slashes Larry's throat; Larry says he is "sorry"; Larry does *not* apologize for anything; he is (most likely) pissed off that Hailey stabbed him; he does not have feelings; he is (clearly) a psychopath P-010) Hailey studies dead bodies; she dry heaves into the toilet; meh-- she never *really* freaks out P-011) Hailey touches the bathroom floor and her eye with blood soaked fingers; uh-- P-012) Hailey cleans blood off the floor and her face (good); she decides she "is a murderer" and "it's time to start acting like it"; :\ P-013) Hailey examines her own beat up body; I don't understand why; she's already seen it; and, uh-- she just found her mom dead-- then killed somebody; she does not care that she was beat up (which she already knows about) P-014 - P-015) living room details (about time) P-016 - P-017) garbage tumbles out of the pantry; Hailey grabs a box of liners P-018) Hailey examines Larry's body; she should be freaking out over her mom's corpse, right here (I think) P-019) Hailey chews out her mother's dead corpse; that's really strange; I don't think Hailey does this; I think this is a lazy way to get around demonstrating Hailey's true emotions; Hailey chops off her mother's head; I could see her doing this after gathering herself (and viewing the situation as a scientific endeavor; but, Hailey never does that) P-020) Hailey chops up her mom's body; she stacks body parts; she manuevers Larry's corpse (in preparation for dismemberment); she stops to take a break P-021) Hailey undresses Larry's body; she uses his clothes to sop up blood (very frugal, I suppose) P-022) Hailey finds and uses Larry's jacket to sop up blood; she chops off Larry's arm P-023) Hailey dismembers Larry's body; she bags body parts P-024) Hailey deposits her backpack in her bedroom; it's nearly dry (is it?); Hailey opens her mom's SUV P-025) Hailey loads body parts into the SUV; she is worried neighbors will see because the rain is slowing down Chapter 11: "A Disappearance" P-001) pretentious crap about Hailey making people disappear and rationalizations for it; I believe this paragraph can be safely removed; Hailey's motivations for disposing of Larry and her mother's bodies have been clarified, now P-002) more rationalizations; Cherry Cemetery is introduced; maybe get rid of this turd, too (Cherry Cemetery is discussed in the next paragraph) P-003) Cherry Cemetery descriptions; need some TLC P-004) more descriptions; Hailey driving through the cemetery, looking for an open gravesite; it takes Hailey 45 minutes to find one?? :\ P-005) Hailey backs up to an open grave; she throws her hood over her head (which is strange since she threw her hoodie in the bathroom clothes hamper in the last chapter; lol) P-006) Hailey tosses in body parts; she covers them with dirt P-007) Hailey gets back in the car; it's a quarter past eleven?? P-008) Hailey drives to Glory High P-009) descriptions about Glory High's security system (explanation it is turned off at night); could use some work P-010) revelations that Hailey knows Travis and his friends' names; pretentious crap about Hailey not wanting to "take it anymore" (wtf?) P-011) Hailey looking for an unlocked door; she ducks out of sight from approaching headlights P-012) Hailey gets in; she locates the office; she decides she needs to be quick (her mom's SUV can *not* be spotted) P-013) Hailey gets into the office; she studies the security system P-014) Hailey snips a common video feed; she decides to get pizza in honor of her "departed mother"; I'm not conviced disabling Glory High's security system is that easy, but maybe P-015) Hailey wipes her fingerprints off of scissors she used to cut the video feed; she grabs Travis and his friends' school schedules from a filing cabinet; she decides to keep the original (rather than making copies?); she wipes fingerprints from drawer handles P-016) Hailey leaves through the front door; she wipes her prints from the office doorknob; it's 11:42? Chapter 12: "Cleaning House" P-001) Hailey enters her living room and kicks off her shoes; she decides to clean; but first, she decides to order a pizza P-002) Hailey calls Jack Colby's P-003 - P-006) Hailey enters her mother's room and becomes disgusted; dialog with pizza guy; Hailey makes her mom's bed; Hailey finds a box P-007 - P-013) more pizza dialog; Hailey finds cash in her mom's box P-014 - P-018) Hailey steam cleans the living room; she throws away trash; she throws away dirty dishes; she cleans the pantry; she takes garbage bags to the dumpster P-019) Hailey finishes the pantry; she sprays air freshener all over the house; she does more steam cleaning; she vacuums P-020) Hailey receives her pizza P-021 - P-024) dialog with pizza delivery guy P-025) Hailey sits down to eat; not *one* fucking description about her pizza?????? D:< P-026) fascinating description of Paul's bedroom P-027) Vicky walks in; Paul is loading a bowl; he offers some to Vicky; Vicky takes off Paul's shades and looks into his eyes P-028 - P-031) dialog P-032) Paul kisses Vicky P-033 - P-035) dialog and making out (so pretentious and unflattering, it's ridiculous) P-036 - P-037) Tommy interrupts (watch this goofy mofo!); Paul throws his ass out; Joe interrupts P-038 - P-040) Joe and Paul dialog; Joe gives Paul a condom P-041) Paul shows the condom to Vicky; then, no description of Paul and Vicky having sex (which is pretty disappointing; does we add this??? :\ ; we does :D ) Chapter 13: "A Bubble Bath" P-001) Hailey is listening to Walter in a bubble bath; she is surrounded by candlelight; she cleaned the house; she ate half the pizza she ordered; she made a trip to the grocery store to get cleaning supplies; what the fuck is this-- Hailey decided she didn't like Blades of Sloth?; look at this dumb shit; look at it P-002) Hailey painted her toenails red; she picked out an outfit P-003 - P-004) Hailey stuffed her backpack full of weapons; she figured out when to attack Travis and his friends P-005 - P-009) Joe and Tommy are drinking beer on Paul's porch (wait-- why in the fuck did we not see Hailey's tits-- not one damn time?; not even a naked shoulder?; nothing?; wtf?); Tommy reveals he has ADD P-010 - P-020) Joe brings up Hailey; Joe and Tommy discuss killing her P-021 - P-026) Travis skids around the corner; Travis and his friends are under the impression Paul's throwing a party at his house because his parents are gone P-027 - P-030) Paul appears at the front door; he reveals he and Vicky had sex P-031 - P-035) Tommy is groping Tate (which is fucking dumb); Gary is trying to pry him off (wtf?); Joe hands Paul another condom in case he needs it P-036 - P-037) Travis thinks Vicky slept with Paul because he stood up to him; Paul tells Travis he *was* being an ass-hole P-038 - P-046) more Tommy bullshit P-047 - P-049) Paul asks Jennifer how she's doing; she speaks poorly of Hailey P-050 - P-051) Tommy shenanigans P-052 - P-056) Travis and Jennifer exchange heated words w/ Paul; Vicky comes out P-057 - P-060) Travis threatens to kill Paul, too; Paul includes Vicky in that threat; Vicky and Paul size up Travis and Jennifer P-061 - P-062) stupid Tommy shit P-063) Paul and Vicky stare down Travis and Jennifer; Vicky puts out a cigarette with an undressed footsie (ouch!); Travis and his friends decide to leave P-063 - P-067) they leave P-068 - P-071) Paul and his friends go in the house to sleep; this has to be one of the most pitiful chapters in the book; so much potential-- Hailey in a tub, bickering, and drunken shenanigans; and yet, not one bit of it is used to tell a halfway interesting story; that's a shame (lol); how can there be a girl in a tub-- and no boobies?; and, some ass-hole needs to punch some other ass-hole; God damn it; or else, there should be no death threat Chapter 14: "Friday" P-001) Wednesday and her mom are sitting in front of school; Wednesday's mom kicks her ass out (suddenly??) :( ; Wednesday gives her mom a hug P-002 - P-005) Wednesday tells her mom to have a nice weekend w/ her dad (implying they are leaving town for the weekend) P-006 - P-008) Wednesday starts telling her mom not to drink or do drugs; then, she starts naming different types of drugs; I suppose this is 25 year old Michael's attempt at humor??; I don't find this to be funny, per se; more like-- uh-- pretentious?? P-009) Wednesday's mom gets pissed and tells Wednesday to get out; I'm not sure what she is so upset about; also, Wednesday does not seem to mind (which is also pretty hard to understand); Wednesday lights up a smoke; she remembers Hailey will not be coming to school :( P-010) Wednesday talks to herself (which is kinda cute); she reveals she is somewhat concerned about Hailey; she is worried Travis and his friends did something to her; it starts sprinkling; Wednesday opens an umbrella above her head; she regretted not having one the day before (which explains why she suddenly has one) P-011) we find out Wednesday was up late worrying about Hailey; she wanted to call, but decided not to because Hailey's mom gets "mad about that"; seems unlikely :\ (since Hailey's mom is a stinking drunk); Wednesday could call Hailey any time, day or night; Hailey's mom would probably be excited about that; or, she would be passed out, and Hailey could talk to her friend all she wants; Wednesday starts to really beat herself up about this; this demonstrates that Wednesday is (perhaps) a little high strung; she is clearly manic/depressive P-012) we find out Wednesday is (literally) worrying herself sick; she did *that* most of the night as well; Wednesday singes her hair with her cigarette P-013) Wednesday's eyes actually tear up; she continues obsessing; she decides to call Hailey at lunch (how??) P-014) Wednesday studies a house in front of her P-015) Paul and Martin are toking up in front of Martin's house P-016 - P-021) Martin reveals to Paul he's noticed he and Vicky had sex; Paul chokes on pot P-022 - P-024) Paul tells Martin they used a condom; he explains he really loves Vicky P-025 - P-028) Martin tells Paul he'll look into getting Vicky on the pill; he says she's not coming around w/ no babies P-029 - P-038) Martin reveals he knows about Hailey; he asks Paul if they got rid of the body "like he taught them" (demonstrating Martin is more involved w/ the group than may be obvious-- seems he is actually in charge of it); Paul explains they buried Hailey's "body" P-039) Martin tells Paul if they had to do it, they had to do it-- no big deal; Paul secretly knows they did not; Vicky comes out of the house P-040 - P-044) Paul tells Vicky Martin knows about them; Martin tells Paul and Vicky to check some cigar box in the house; he goes inside; Vicky explains to Paul Martin doesn't smoke cigars; I assume there are some condoms in this cigar box??; lol P-045 - P-047) we see-- just how stoned Paul really is xD P-048) Paul studies Martin's trees-- 'cause he's fuckin' blown; Vicky comes out w/ the cigar box; it says Vicky sits next to her new "squeeze" (which I really, really hate) P-049 - P-055) Vicky tells Paul they need to pick up Joe and Tommy (they dropped them off at their houses so they could get ready); Paul wants water-- 'cause he's got cotton mouth like a bitch; Vicky calls Paul "honey" (which is also very stupid) P-056 - P-058) Vicky and Paul go back and forth due to stoned stupidity (which is-- not at all funny); Vicky goes inside to get water P-059) Travis and Jennifer are getting it on-- with some bondage; apparently, they're into that :\ ; I'm not sure I agree w/ that; but, okay; Jennifer's body welts are healing; Travis is tying Jennifer's arms behind her back P-060 - P-065) so-- Travis hogties Jennifer; they bitch at each other the entire time (which is very strange); Travis tells Jennifer to shut-up, or he'll gag her; Travis leaves Jennifer rocking like a-- rocking horse; that's dumb P-066 - P-068) Travis comes back w/ a yardstick; Jennifer tells Travis "not this tired shit again"; still-- not that funny; just-- kinda weird P-069 - P-071) Jennifer is not amused by Travis' antics; not sure why Travis would not be turned off and try-- something else?; Jennifer continues talking shit P-072) Travis lifts Jennifer like a suitcase; he paddles her; Jennifer actually enjoys it; glad this is the last paragraph of this shit-- 'cause it's really dumb; this entire bit could be gotten rid of; then again, it could be more sexual, and thus-- actually interesting; if Travis and Jennifer are going to argue while they're getting it on, maybe it would be better if they just stop in the middle of it-- revealing they are sexually frustrated w/ each other; this-- would actually be funny P-073) good place to add description of Hailey's outfit and the contents of her backpack (removed from bubble bath descriptions); Hailey is watching Catherine J. Smith's body being lowered on top of her mom and Larry's body parts P-074) Hailey cries a little; pretty unrealistic, really (considering how Hailey reacts in the original version of this story); I'm surprised Hailey isn't celebrating; Hailey heads for her mother's SUV (which she apparently drove to the funeral); she decides to drive home, then walk to school; it is explained Hailey wants to walk because she does not have a parking permit; but really-- Hailey's mom's vehicle cannot be spotted in Glory High's parking lot; that would be a disaster Chapter 15: "The Glory High Slasher" P-001) pretentious shit about hitmen; lol P-002) analysis of mental disorders (for fuck's sake) P-003) an analysis of school shootings and Hailey's specific case; it is not necessary to have any of these first three paragraphs; it will only cheapen the story; also, analysis of these things will make the story less interesting; just portray what happened; it will be far more shocking; allow an audience to decide what happened, why, and how they feel about that P-004) description of Hailey standing in front of Glory High (now, we're getting somewhere) P-005) Hailey remembering horrible things that happened to her the past couple of days (wait-- what happened??); just skip this paragraph, too; the audience is aware of what happened to Hailey; do we want to beat them over the head with it? P-006) Hailey wanders in; she decides to set up in the boys' room; she will attack in a style like guerilla warfare P-007) Hailey enters the boys' room; boys' room details P-008) Hailey sets out items; she decides to peak through Travis and his friends' classroom door window to lure them out P-009) Travis and his friends are at chemistry lab tables P-010 - P-012) dialog P-013) descriptions of Travis, etc at lab tables; Joe is checking out Tatum's braids (why?) P-014) Joe notices Hailey; Paul and Vicky are whispering to each other P-015) Tommy dialog P-016 - P-018) Joe points out Hailey to his table; Paul informs Travis' table P-019) Travis intructs Joe and Tommy to go after Hailey; Hailey flips Travis off P-020 - P-024) Joe and Tommy get caught trying to sneak out; Tommy claims he is going to the bathroom; Joe claims he would like to use the water fountain; Mr. Craddock allows them to leave P-025 - P-027) Gary and Tate ask if they can leave; Mr. Craddock tells them only two at a time P-028) Joe and Tommy notice Hailey is in the boys' room; they taunt her P-029 - P-030) Joe and Tommy assume Hailey is hiding in a stall; they taunt her more P-031) Hailey creeps up behind the boys; she's holding billiard ball socks P-032) Hailey cracks Joe and Tommy over the backs of their heads; she makes arrogant comments (which are *clearly* out of character) P-033) Hailey ties Joe and Tommy to the wall of one of the stalls P-034 - P-035) Hailey wakes the boys up; she taunts them, sadistically (like a smart ass); Hailey has given no indication this is the type of person she is; I could see her taunting Joe and Tommy; but in the story, she is kidding and laughing; she should be brutal and calculating; that is the person Hailey is P-036 - P-038) Hailey dissects Tommy; she continues to taunt both boys in a way that is like Ted Bundy-- not so much like, say-- disgruntled Corbin Bernsen in The Dentist?; Hailey is vengeful and cold; she is not a twisted psychopath P-039 - P-040) Joe says he is sorry; this upsets Hailey; I don't think Hailey should be upset; I think she should just stick a knife in Joe and be like "Fuck you, mother fucker."; there are actual tears in the story; I don't like where this is going; Hailey should be shaking with fury and agitation; the last thing she is thinking about is how Joe and Tommy feel P-041) Hailey questions what she is doing (due to previously mentioned reasons); again-- totally unnecessary; there is nothing to re-think; then, some BS to explain how she re-gains her motivation; again, totally unnecessary-- because Hailey (at this point) is filled with violent rage; she is not going to waiver until these fuckos are dead; Hailey might be freaking out (because of the violence); but, she is def not going to re-think what she is doing; she is very sure of herself P-042 - P-045) Gary and Tate convince Mr. Craddock to let them go; Mr. Craddock tells them to tell Joe and Tommy to get their "BUTTS back, now!"; I like this :D; very realistic dialog P-046 - P-049) Gary and Tate spot Hailey; they enter the bathroom; Joe and Tommy details P-050) Gary and Tate freak out (think about this, carefully); Hailey knocks them out and tapes their mouths P-051) Tate is semi-conscious; she drags Hailey to the floor P-052) Tate straddles Hailey's waist; she untapes her face P-053) Tate chokes Hailey; Hailey reaches for rust remover; Tate is not freaking out (like I think she should be); she should be absolutely hysterical; she should be unable to control herself; instead, she seems calm and calculated P-054) Tate talks shit (something about guessing Hailey listens to "that band Walter"); again, this makes no sense-- she should be shouting incoherently and reacting violently; Hailey grabs a lighter and the rust remover; she sprays a fireball in Tatum's face; Tate scrambles away; Hailey hobbles after her; she sprays her again P-055) Hailey backs Tate into a corner; she sprays Tatum with a non-stop flame until she stops moving; Gary watches it happen (so, think about his reaction); the sprinklers turn on-- foiling Hailey's plans P-056) Hailey quickly collects weapons (she should be more panicked); Hailey slices Gary's throat (which is very clever); she spots Travis, Jennifer, Paul, and Vicky in the hallway; she hides around a corner P-057 - P-058) Travis, etc hurry into the bathroom; Hailey dashes down the hall and out the door; Wednesday spots her P-059 - P-061) Ms. Goodwin catches Hailey; Hailey stabs her in the heart-- once?; I think Hailey should start brutally stabbing Ms. Goodwin in the chest, in the stomach, in the face; something P-062 - P-064) Wednesday stumbles out; she (and others) have found what is in the bathroom; Wednesday does not react the way she should; she should seem sickly and stumble around, recklessly; she finds Ms. Goodwin still alive; Ms. Goodwin begs for help; Wednesday tells her to-- shut-up :\ ; then, she runs after Hailey; I think Ms. Goodwin should already be dead; then, Wednesday should totally freak out; then, Wednesday should think about what to do; then-- Wednesday should hurry after Hailey Chapter 16: "The Blame Game" P-001 - P-002) Hailey sprints to Martin's house; she stops for water; Wednesday tackles Hailey P-003 - P-006) Wednesday asks Hailey "What did you do?!"; Hailey responds "They tried to kill me."; what a strange way to answer this stupid question; 'cause, the answer is "You *know* what I did."; anyway, then Hailey starts crying; I'm not sure why she starts crying??; basically, her stance is like "Fuck you, I'll do what I want."; I don't think she's going to cry about that P-007 - P-008) Wednesday is red-hot pissed at her friend-- for what she did, but also because she has been keeping things from her; she runs up and tackles Hailey (from a dead sprint); Hailey says "They tried to kill me."; and, Wednesday just kinda-- calms down; wtf?; Wednesday's friend just murdered five people; Wednesday saw their hacked up bodies; she is *not* going to calm down any time soon; Wednesday should be freaking out and fiesty and not very trusting; the lure of Hailey's friendship is that she is just like "Okay."; and then, Hailey heads home; Wednesday follows her because-- she can't stand not knowing what's going on P-009 - P-018) Wednesday asks Hailey to tell her what happened; Hailey doesn't feel like explaining; I'm not sure why not??; I would expect Wednesday to guess what happened; then, Hailey should explain some of the details of what happened; and then, she should explain that her mom and Larry are dead; and then, she should explain that Larry raped her; Wednesday would quickly deduce that this is the reason Hailey was so weird on Thursday; she would be angry Hailey didn't tell her that; then, Hailey would explain about coming home, finding Larry hacking up her mom, and killing Larry; somewhere in this area, Wednesday should notice a ring around Hailey's throat; that is never mentioned (so, it must have been forgotten about) P-019 - P-021) Hailey hears Travis approaching; she says "Hide!"; Hailey and Wednesday hide behind some bushes; I would expect that Wednesday is not really paying attention; she is preoccupied w/ what Hailey did; Hailey would have to basically drag Wednesday behind some bushes and cover her mouth so she doesn't shriek; Wednesday is not too pleased w/ Hailey at the moment P-022 - P-023) Travis and Jennifer park at Martin's house; Hailey aims her pistol at them; she says "I could kill them right now--"; Wednesday grabs Hailey's mom's gun; she tells Hailey to stop; I would expect that Wednesday knows by now that Hailey-- is not fucking around; she would probably just throw her arms over her face and wait for gunshots; she probably realizes Hailey cannot be negotiated with P-024) Hailey puts up her pistol; she says "I can't hit them from here with this tiny little thing."; Vicky and Paul park in Martin's driveway; they join Travis and Jennifer on the porch P-025 - P-026) Travis and his friends start bickering; they are angry?; they are not upset that their friends were slaughtered??; maybe Travis and Jennifer are kinda okay w/ it; they are narcissists; they think they "run" the group and what they say goes; Paul and Vicky should be angry-- about *this* P-027 - P-030) Paul and Travis get in each other's faces; Jennifer whips out a butterfly knife (why does somebody *always* have a bufferfly knife?); Paul, Jennifer, and Vicky exchange words P-031) Travis and Paul start fighting on Martin's porch; Martin pulls up in his Cutler (good, I'm glad he was not home; he would've heard Wednesday and Hailey screaming at each other) P-032 - P-033) Martin says "Boys! Boys!"; and, everyone magically stops fighting :\ ; bullshit; he would have to drag them off of each other P-034) Martin is very calm (which makes no sense since four of his buddies were just slaughtered); remember, Martin is just as much a part of this group as Travis and his friends; he is not a teenager; but, he is friends w/ these people; and, he should be very upset; he should be angry w/ Travis (for sure); he should question Travis as to *why* he felt it was necessary to kill Hailey; instead, he calmly asks for an explanation about Hailey's body; this is like-- the last thing that matters; it is a legitimate inquiry (like-- how the fuck did you not realize Hailey was still alive?); however, Martin is going to be a lot more interested as to why Hailey was attacked in the first place; I'd *love* to hear dumb-ass defend himself (and Ms. dumb-ass defend *her*-self) P-035 - P-037) Hailey and Wednesday are surprised to find out that Martin is part of Travis' "group" P-038 - P-043) Martin makes fun of the kids for not being able to handle little Hailey; this seems like strange behavior; why would Martin be making jokes at a time like this?; Martin should probably be beating on someone (Travis, Paul, Jennifer, or his daughter); he's an abusive, controlling dictator; he's furious; and (by God), he's gonna get some answers; furthermore, this leaves the door open for blind alleys-- which will delay Travis and his friends from finding Hailey's house; the group will be so busy trying to meet Martin's ridiculous demands, they will be too preoccupied to actually find Hailey's house; it's all too perfect; yet, the idea is far removed due to inaccurate behavior P-044 - P-051) Travis and his friends realize they need a yearbook so they can get Hailey's last name; they decide to drive to Paul's house to look through his yearbook; this isn't a bad idea; I can easily see people doing this in real life P-052 - P-059) Wednesday and Hailey discuss how fucked up Travis' little group is P-060 - P-061) Wednesday asks to see some of Hailey's cuts and bruises; Hailey says she'll show her later; I hate to be a little nit-picking mother fucker, but-- Hailey would just quickly show Wednesday some of her injuries; Hailey would have enough respect for Wednesday to fulfill her request; she will not treat her friend like she is a nagging child; Hailey is also a girl; she is not shy about showing some of her body to her friend; also, Hailey could just quickly show Wednesday rings around her wrists and cuts on her arms; also, Wednesday has seen Hailey's neck welts by now (right????) P-062 - P-063) Vicky asks her dad if they can call the police; Martin quickly explains this away with "No, this situation is screwed up enough."; Vicky *actually* is asking a very good question; why *shouldn't* Travis and his friends inform the police?; Hailey can't (exactly) prove they tried to kill her; they-- did *not* actually kill Hailey, ANYWAY; however, Hailey has slaughtered four of their friends and one Glory High faculty member; this question should be addressed differently; but, the result can definitely be the same; I can see dick-head Martin basically telling his daughter to shut up; but, he does not respond w/ "this is bad enough"; that's just lazy writing right there P-064 - P-065) Wednesday asks to see Hailey's welts again; Hailey treats her like a nagging child-- again; this is only designed to lead into "why the fuck are we going to your house, Hailey? that's dumb."; Hailey can appease Wednesday's curiosity about her body in the bushes; *this* part (P-064 - P-065) could be replaced with: Hailey starts walking home; Wednesday's like "where the fuck are you going?"; Hailey's like "fuck off-- I'm going home."; Wednesday responds w/ "we should go to *my* house. going to your house is a stupid idea." P-066 - P-068) Hailey responds w/ "I gotta get my mom's SUV."; that's a decent explanation; however, the girls never leave once they get to Hailey's house; maybe Hailey's just like "I don't give a fuck. I'm going home. Are you coming or not?" P-069 - P-073) Hailey threatens to leave w/o Wednesday; Wednesday can't stand it (big surprise); she hobbles along after her friend; that is who Wednesday is P-074 - P-077) Hailey makes a comment about Wednesday being a lesbian because she grabs her arm; Hailey is a girl-- she is not uptight about this; none of this shit makes any sense; this chapter could end w/ Hailey and Wednesday holding each other (which is warm and comforting); it could end any number of ways; girls joking about being lesbians is like-- the dumbest ending ever; it's like men joking about fishing; men fish; girls hug each other and express their feelings; it's in the damn DNA Chapter 17: "Hailey's House" P-001) descriptions of Hailey's house; I imagine the girls will need to take a piss ;) P-002 - P-008) Hailey takes Wednesday to her room; Wednesday is still trying to look at Hailey's bruises; more jokes about being a lesbian (which is a totally fucking stupid topic of conversation given the circumstances); I think-- Hailey sits on her bed; Wednesday comes to her room (after taking a piss); Wednesday collapses on Hailey's lap; she asks to see more of Hailey's bruises; Hailey says "fuck that-- let's lay down for a minute"; Hailey takes her jacket and Wednesday's; she probably takes off Wednesday's shoes and socks-- then her own ('cause, they're soaking wet); then, the girls lay in each other's arms-- 'cause they're fucking exhausted (obviously); Wednesday reminds Hailey they should've gone to *her* house; Hailey just strokes Wednesday's hair; then, the girls pass out P-009 - P-014) Wednesday checks out Hailey's bruises; she gets pissed because she thinks Hailey didn't listen to the CD she gave her; okay, so-- REALLY, the girls wake up after a 15-30 minute nap; Wednesday *asks* Hailey if she listened to the CD she gave her; maybe the girls play the fucking thing (why wouldn't they?); then, sure-- Hailey shows Wednesday her battered flesh P-015 - P-025) more shit about Hailey not liking Blades of Sloth (which is bullshit-- she likes them); more jokes about being a lesbian (hopefully, 25 year old Michael has now run out of these) P-026 - P-030) Wednesday asks Hailey if she's going to kill Travis and the rest of his friends; okay-- this was added to the last chapter ('cause clearly, Wednesday would've asked about this in the bushes); so, the girls should probably be *fighting* about this; instead, Hailey and Wednesday calmly discuss this like it's just sorta-- sad; pretty sure these two girls would be at each other's throats; Wednesday would be screaming at Hailey and threatening to leave; but, it's just anger talking P-031 - P-034) Wednesday asks Hailey why she can't call the cops; so-- when Vicky asks Martin this question, it's a legit question; when Wednesday asks Hailey-- that shit don't make no fuckin' sense; 'cause, Hailey just slashed up five people at school; calling the cops is *probably* not discussed; maybe Wednesday asks why Hailey did not call the cops when Larry raped her-- which is actually a *good* question P-035 - P-039) Hailey and Wednesday (sorta) fight about whether or not what's going on is any of Wednesday's business; yes, this is something the girls will be fighting about; we can actually use this P-040 - P-062) dialog, dialog, dialog; Hailey demonstrates she can trust Wednesday with a secret; she explains how she killed Larry and dismembered him and her mom; then, she tells Wednesday what she did w/ the bodies; this is also good; Wednesday will be curious about this; and, Hailey *is* currently on Wednesday's shit-list-- 'cause she hasn't been honest w/ her; I can totally see this; try to use it P-063) Paul turns on blacklights in his room; Martin and everyone else walk in; descriptions of Paul's room P-064 - P-066) people talk shit about Paul's messy bedroom P-067) everyone starts digging through junk P-068) Martin bitches because there's no good light (typical old man bitching; lol) P-069 - P-074) Martin plugs in a pile of televisions for light P-075) more digging P-076 - P-082) Travis plays Kinky Sex Dog Collars; the youngsters are jamming out; Martin gets pissed P-083 - P-084) Martin asks for a beer; Paul leaves to get everbody an oat soda P-085 - P-089) more digging; more bitching P-090 - P-093) Travis freaks out over an old bag of pork rinds P-094 - P-098) Paul hands everyone a beer P-099 - P-100) Travis and Jennifer apologize; bullshit; that shit DON'T HAPPEN P-101 - P-103) more bitching about the pork rinds P-104 - P-105) Paul gets rid of the fucking pork rinds (thank goodness; I'm tired of hearing about the fucking things) P-106) Vicky warns everyone not to dig under Paul's bed-- which is where the pork rinds came from (guess I was optimistic about not having to hear about the God damn shit anymore; nope-- looks like I'm still having to hear about this dumb shit); Vicky says she sees Paul throw all sorts of things under his bed IN CHAPTER 18: Wednesday is like "So-- you got this guy Lloyd's number?" Hailey's like "Yeah." Wednesday suggests calling Lloyd. Maybe he can help. Hailey's not sure she wants to involve Lloyd or that she can trust him with her predicament. Travis and his friends show up before Hailey has a chance to think this through. Chapter 18: "Moth to Flame" (not sure about this chapter's title; are there any better ideas?) P-001) Wednesday swinging; Hailey repairing a swing seat; descriptions of the sky and Hailey's backyard; something has occurred to me-- this paragraph starts with "It was after six."; in the next chapter (moments after the girls have run away from the house), it needs to be pretty dark (because the girls are hiding at a house across the street from Martin's while everyone is talking outside); mention that it is getting pretty dark outside; also, bring up the fact that this story takes place off of daylight savings time P-002 - P-005) pretentious conversation about repairing Hailey's backyard; replace w/ conversation about Lloyd (which is a more sensible thing for the girls to chat about) P-006 - P-008) Hailey finishes repairing the swing seat; more pretentious yard conversation P-009) Hailey snatches Wednesday's cigarette; she stomps it out; uh-- fucking why???? P-010 - P-020) pretentious dialog about smoking; wow; GET RID OF THIS; for fuck's sake P-021 - P-023) Wednesday says she is hungry; Hailey explains she gots pizza; :D P-024 - P-026) the girls go inside; they start heating up pizza; yayy!! P-027 - P-029) Wednesday tells Hailey she is worried about Travis and his friends finding them at Hailey's house; uh-- no shit; this must go (obviously) P-030 - P-032) Hailey says she doesn't understand what Wednesday is worried about; she didn't do anything; for fuck's sake--; Wednesday explains she is worried about Hailey; then, she starts bawling??; smh P-033 - P-038) Wednesday says she "gets it"; no-- there is nothing TO GET; what the fuck??; Hailey explains she is not suicidal; the girls hug; Jesus Christ-- this is fucking painful to read; do away-- w/ this shit P-039 - P-043) the microwave dings; this is actually interesting; although-- why not re-heat the pizza in the oven?; sayin'; Wednesday tells Hailey she should've ditched class; she says if she was a real friend, she would've found a way to walk home w/ Hailey the day before (when Hailey was suspended); meh, this is an interesting thought; I don't think Wednesday will bring this up; she may be thinking this (which can be mentioned); but, she will not want to open that can of worms at this time; she is not interested in having that conversation; it's a conversation that leads to Hailey and Wednesday fighting about what Hailey has done; ironically, the conversation does *not* lead to that (see below) P-044 - P-047) Hailey tells Wednesday it's not her fault what happened; yes, this is obvious; this is why this conversation will lead to a fight; STOP!; Hailey switches to "I'm not a good friend"; she explains she was weird Thursday because Larry raped her the night before; Wednesday has already deduced this (obviously); Wednesday's deduction has been added; get rid of this, too; Wednesday says if Hailey admitted this, it (possibly) could've prevented the whole thing; she *may* have a point; but, she DOES NOT say this; no fucking way!!!! P-048 - P-055) Wednesday's topic leads to a conversation about trust; the microwave dings again (more pizza ready); pretentious dialog about trust; complete bullshit P-056 - P-059) Hailey asks Wednesday to put herself in her shoes; would she tell Hailey she was raped?; Wednesday says Hailey would be the first person she came to; this is actually a legitimate point; is there a different way we can approach this?; if we do, Wednesday should be extremely upset discussing it (and, she is not in the original version) P-060 - P-064) Hailey says next time, she'll tell Wednesday immediately if something happens to her; we *magically* get to "friends owe each other-- EVERYTHING"; and, well-- the conversation should not lead to this; talk about reaching; Hailey is creeped out by this (lol) P-065) Wednesday takes her and Hailey's shoes off; the girls probably did that on their own when they walked in the door-- 'cause they're girls P-066 - P-068) more shit about trust P-069) Travis interrupts (thank God); Travis appears from the hallway (interesting; how is this possible?); Travis opens the front door; Jennifer walks in; Wednesday hops off the loveseat; she sits next to Hailey; why the fuck-- is she not already sitting next to Hailey?; they're not guys; God damn it P-070 - P-072) Wednesday asks what they should do; Hailey says they should run (lol); Hailey and Wednesday rush to the back door; they back up; Martin, Paul, and Vicky follow them in P-073) omg-- Hailey demands to know, "How did you find me?"; are you fucking kidding me???? D:< ; a better line is something like "Took you long enough to find me. I've been at home for seven hours."; lol P-074 - P-075) Paul explains: "Took him a few beers to pull your last name out of his ass. But, he managed to do it."; now this-- this is somewhat funny-- and seems legit; but (for fuck's sake), Hailey fucking *knows* they were gonna find her and Wednesday; it was only a matter of time; she is (basically) waiting for them; she failed to kill them all at school; her plan was ruined-- and she knows that P-076 - P-078) Jennifer mentions the elephant in the room (Wednesday); Hailey begs Travis and his friends to leave her alone P-079) Martin is tired of fucking around; he walks up and smacks Hailey P-080) Wednesday is furious; she grabs Martin's arm; I think she's more timid than this; she probably stares into Martin's eyes, stupidly; then, she's like "Fuuuuck--"; then, Martin grabs Wednesday around the throat (getting back to the original story); then, I think Wednesday is probably grabbing at Martin's arms-- like a pansy ('cause, that's what she is) P-081) Martin shouts in Wednesday's face; he drops her next to Hailey; Martin instructs Paul and Vicky to tie the girls up; he says "We have to make an example out of these two." (a cryptic reference to things that are to come; but, Martin probably does not say this pretentious thing); Martin tells Travis and Jennifer to "get the gas cans"; they kinda stand there (uh-- no, they don't); Martin tells them "DO IT! They killed four of your friends!" (exactly) P-082) Wednesday grumbles "I didn't kill anybody."; oh-- now, I understand; any other way to get to this?? P-083 - P-085) Travis and Jennifer leave; Hailey and Martin exchange hellos (which is interesting; yes-- they *were* just discussing Martin's trees the morning prior) P-086) Wednesday assures her friend it's gonna be okay; I think she's telling herself this more than anything; make this clear P-087 - P-088) Paul and Vicky tie up Wednesday and Hailey (respectively); Vicky makes a reference to the fact that she's tied up Hailey, before; Vicky is very upset w/ Hailey at this point; I don't think she jokes around; she probably coldly ties Hailey up-- like a machine; really, Vicky is not interested in killing anybody; but, she does have vengeance on her mind; also, she's following instructions P-089 - P-090) Hailey scolds Martin for what he is doing; some of what she says involves Vicky; Martin reveals Hailey has "no idea what she's dealing with" (more cryptic references; this one can be kept); Martin kicks Hailey in the stomach; I think-- Vicky probably kicks Hailey in the stomach; again-- like a machine (she is emotionally numb in this moment) P-091 - P-094) Vicky turns to her dad; she actually protests tying Hailey up :\ ; um, no-- she fucking doesn't; she is horrified w/ what Hailey has done; she believes Hailey is ten times as terrifying as anything her and her friends have done to her; she *may* be right about this; Martin smacks Vicky over the head; NO; NO; NO; NO; stop it!! P-095) Hailey tells Vicky it must be raining (because everyone seems soaking wet); Vicky may have some reaction to this; it will NOT be enough to deter her from tying Hailey up P-096 - P-100) Vicky has trouble tying Hailey; her dad kicks her next to Hailey; then, Vicky apologizes for what she has to do; God damn it!!; NOOO!!!!; Hailey folds her arms behind her back so Vicky can tie them; I'm not sure Hailey does this; the only reason she might is so she can better control how her wrists are tied??; maybe make a reference to this??; Vicky is touched by Hailey's gesture (for fuck's sake-- she IS NOT) P-101 - P-102) Vicky cries (there are actual tears); DDDx ; I'm dyin'!!!!; FUCK NO!!!; then, Vicky says part of a Hail Mary; sure, why not?; a Catholic may do this P-103 - P-104) Martin thumps Vicky's head; well if he's pissed, he doesn't thump her head; he (possibly) kicks Vicky again; Hailey begs Martin not to do-- whatever he's about to have Travis and his friends do; Martin drags Hailey by her hair; he drops her next to Wednesday; I thought the girls were right beside each other?? :\ ; Hailey checks the front door; Travis and Jennifer are standing beside the entrance; cans of gas sit beside their footsies P-105) Martin tells Travis and Jennifer "Do it."; Travis and Jennifer start dousing the living room w/ gasoline; then, they soak Hailey and Wednesday P-106 - P-107) Hailey and Travis talk shit to each other (lol); Travis lights a Flippo; I always found this strange-- why does Travis randomly have a Flippo?; he's not a smoker (that we have seen); wouldn't he have a Flic?; or, a barbecue lighter?; or, matches? P-108 - P-110) Travis ignites his lighter; his arm catches on fire (ha-ha!); Travis drops his lighter next to the gas cans; is this supposed to start a fire?; is that why this needs to be a Flippo?; or, matches?; Travis pounds his arm against the frame of the front door; this could be what starts the fire (btw); Jennifer shoves Travis outside; she shouts "It's raining outside, dipshit!" (lol); a puddle underneath the gas can ignites (ah, yes-- that's why it's a Flippo; make it matches, or make Travis' stupidity start the fire) P-111 - P-113) flames start firing out of the gas can; Martin freaks out (not sure why?? the whole point was to start a fucking fire); Martin says "EVADE!" (which is a strange choice of words; but, okay); everyone hurries out of the house; everyone probably does this no matter what-- 'cause the gasoline soaked living room is now ON FIRE; smh; a gas trail Travis laid from the gas cans to the girls catches fire; Hailey tells Wednesday to roll; the girls roll out of the path of approaching flames P-114) Hailey slides her tied wrists under her feet; she unties a knot with her teeth; she frees herself; sure, this can work; would Hailey know how to do this?; would Hailey untie Wednesday's wrists, instead?; Hailey hears Travis' loud ass pickup drive away P-115 - P-119) Hailey unties Wednesday; she tells Wednesday to grab their shoes; Hailey forgot her shoes at the park; Wednesday should probably think of this on her own (just sayin'); Hailey goes after the girls' back packs; Wednesday grabs her smokes (fucking-- laugh out loud!!!!) P-120) Wednesday tells Hailey she's out of her mind to go for their back packs P-121) Hailey explains her weapons and her cash are in her back pack; she makes no mention of Wednesday going for her smokes; as much shit as Hailey gives Wednesday about smoking, you'd think she would mention *that*; but, no-- pretty much whatever makes the least amount of sense, I guess; Wednesday and Hailey scramble through the back yard (I think because the front of the house is where most of the flames started); Hailey and Wednesday find that Hailey's mom's SUV is on fire (this is why it takes so long for Travis and Jennifer to return with the gas cans, I guess??); Wednesday grabs Hailey's hand; she's like "We gotta go!"; actually-- why *is* Wednesday saying that?; is she aware of the fact that Travis and his friends will think they are dead-- and thus, leave them alone?; does she care about that?; I think *Hailey* would (possibly) recognize all this and explain it to Wednesday; but, not the other way around ;) ; another problem-- it's raining; does the house burn??; does the SUV??; maybe mention that the rain is slowing down; or, it has stopped; or, make it never raining-- at all; the only reason it needs to be raining is so that the girls can be soaked in the next chapter; and (really), it can just be raining on the other side of the freeway Chapter 19: "Twisted Trees" P-001) some pretentious crap about hoping rain will put the house fire out; the SUV explodes (not sure why??; the fire will just burn out; there will be no explosion); add description of rain pouring down on the other side of the freeway; rain washes gasoline off of the girls P-002 - P-008) the girls make it to a house across the street from Martin's; we could (pretty much) just pick up right here and mention the girls are soaked from rain ;) ; Wednesday suggests burning *Martin's* house down; this is an interesting idea :\ ; however, save it for the end (when Wednesday brings this up a second time); Travis and his friends are not back, yet; Hailey and Wednesday-- beat them there?? :\ P-009 - P-010) Wednesday complains about hiding on some unknown person's porch; uh-- no, she does not care P-011 - P-020) dialog about making it to Wednesday's; Wednesday wrings out her socks; Hailey mentions something about Wednesday's toenails being all different colors; change this ('cause Wednesday's toenails are black, now); Wednesday says she painted them a couple of weeks ago; no, she didn't-- the shit would've crumbled by now (lol) P-021 - P-024) the girls discuss going shopping Saturday; funny topic of conversation (given the situation); I can see Hailey being concerned about not having any clothes; oddly, Wednesday brings this up P-025) Wednesday mentions *we* will finish off the rest of those ass-holes; she does not think about that in terms of "we"; Travis parks in front of Martin's house P-026 - P-027) The girls discuss the fact that Travis is listening to YKC; Martin's Cutler parks; everyone gathers on the porch P-028 - P-033) Martin goes inside to take a piss; Travis and his friends discuss whether Hailey and Wednesday are actually dead P-034 - P-035) Jennifer scolds Vicky for taking so long to tie the girls up; obviously this must go, now; Travis suggests they should kill Vicky, too; Paul and Travis get into a fight about this; again, gotta get rid of this stuff; Travis and Paul can get into a fight for some *other* reason; but, not about Vicky not tying up the girls right P-036 - P-041) Travis and Paul fight about who's fault it is this happened (like *this*, for example); Jennifer takes out a butterfly knife, again; please, get rid of the butterfly knife; wtf? P-042 - P-047) everybody is fighting w/ each other; Martin breaks it up P-048 - P-050) Martin tells everyone to keep it down; Vicky asks her dad if he wants to kill everyone in the neighborhood, too; Martin pops her over the head; um-- I don't think Vicky says this P-051 - P-053) Travis and Paul decide they'll finish their fight at the Church; Paul scolds Martin for beating his (basically) girlfriend; lol; Martin apologizes (wtf?); Jennifer acts like she's gonna start more shit P-054 - P-056) Vicky apologizes for what *she* said; let's skip that stupidity, please; Travis and Paul talk more shit P-057 - P-061) Martin tells Travis and Paul to shut the fuck up; Paul passes around a "peace pipe"; then, everyone goes inside P-062 - P-065) Wednesday suggests burning Martin's house down a second time; Hailey explains they should let Travis and his friends think they are dead; that makes sense (that way, the girls can sleep and re-group) P-066) Wednesday takes out her umbrella; she explains she did not take it out earlier because the girls were in such a panic; actually-- I'm not sure the girls were in a panic; I mean-- why would they be?; maybe something more like-- the girls go stomping into the rain; and then, Wednesday's like "Oh, fuck. I'm dumb--"; then, Wednesday takes out her umbrella; lol Chapter 20: "Wednesday's Dwelling" P-001 - P-002) the girls are in PJs in Wednesday's bedroom; Blades of Sloth are playing; Hailey and Wednesday just painted their nails; Wednesday's bedroom details; one thing that is mentioned are posters of Wednesday's favorite bands; what bands might those be? :\ ; I wanna know :D P-003 - P-005) Hailey gets pissy 'cause Wednesday is listening to Blades of Sloth; uh-- no P-006 - P-018) Wednesday tries to bargain Hailey smoking a cigarette for changing the music to Walter; sure, I can see this; but-- shit needs to change; 'cause, this is some dumb shit P-019 - P-023) Hailey takes a drag of Wednesday's coffin nail; she confesses she smoked her first cigarette a long time ago; then, she demands Wednesday should play Walter; this is some pretentious shit; so hard to read; omg P-024 - P-025) Hailey acts creepy; she brings up the fact that she killed four of their classmates; um-- Hailey does not do this; Wednesday will freak out and get all pissed again; no P-026) Wednesday plays Walter P-027 - P-030) Hailey asks Wednesday if she is afraid of her; we have no doubt Wednesday is afraid of Hailey; Hailey does not ask this; she is fearful to bring it up; she does not want to upset her friend, again; hellooo!! P-031 - P-032) this leads to "maybe that's what Travis and his friends are afraid of"; I guess, skip this related stupidity P-033 - P-035) Hailey hops into Wednesday's bed (that's more like it); Wednesday makes a comment like "well-- make yourself at home"; Hailey replies "it's a queen"; ya know, Wednesday is more than happy to share her bed with her friend; she probably has before; just sayin' P-036) Wednesday asks Hailey if she's going to bed already; Hailey yawns and closes her eyes; Wednesday clearly is not ready to go to bed; she climbs in bed w/ her friend-- just because *she* is going to sleep?; not likely; Wednesday kinda does what she wants; is she clingy?; I could see her climbing into bed to keep Hailey company; but, it's not because she is clingy; the language seems to suggest Wednesday is being clingy; clingy people don't make good manic/depressive characters; they make good borderline personality disorder characters P-037 - P-039) ohh-- more lesbian jokes; here we go; hoped we were through w/ these; pretty sure these two don't joke around about stuff like that; they are very secure w/ their femininity; Wednesday takes Hailey's glasses off; Hailey thanks Wednesday for changing the music P-040 - P-043) Wednesday asks Hailey if she's worried Travis and his friends will come looking for them while they sleep; Hailey just kinda-- tells her friend not to worry so much; uh-- no; lol; Hailey cares about her friend; Wednesday's concerns are Hailey's-- even if Hailey believes they are irrational; Hailey would spend a moment trying to comfort her friend; this is more consistent w/ Hailey's personality; now, Jennifer on the other hand--; Hailey may go through the logic of Travis' friends; for example, "well, they said on Martin's porch they're gonna wait to see what's printed in the newspaper. I happen to know the newspaper won't say anything about whether anyone was harmed in my house fire. etc."; anything further might warrant: "well-- get a knife out of my back pack, then. we'll show them motha fuckers what's what."; lol P-044 - P-051) Hailey continues to urge her friend to relax instead of comforting her (Jesus Christ); Wednesday asks Hailey how she reacted when she was sexually assaulted; uh-- for fuck's sake, she DOES NOT; Wednesday would *never* force her friend to re-live that experience; now-- it's possible Hailey could bring this up (hoping for comfort from her friend); Wednesday will happily oblige; I am *sure* of this P-052 - P-054) Wednesday admits "I shouldn't have brought this up."; uh-- no shit; she holds her friend; the girls fall asleep; this chapter needs some help; w/ a little TLC, it can be truly special-- a heart warming moment between two friends; in its original form, it's total bullshit-- something to fill space (I guess); a reader will enjoy reading about two friends who care for each other's emotional needs; by this point, the girls are (most likely) lightening up a little; things should seem like they are (in a way) getting back to normal Chapter 21: "Saturday" P-001) Hailey wakes up (at 5:47??); she leaves Wednesday's bed; she goes to the kitchen (she does not need to pee??); I think Wednesday should wake up all grouchy; she should argue w/ her friend about getting up so early; eventually, Wednesday concedes to getting up P-002 - P-003) descriptions of Wednesday's house; Hailey wanders into the kitchen; Wednesday should be making herself some coffee at this point P-004 - P-005) more kitchen descriptions; Hailey grabs eggs, bacon, and milk; no fuckin' pancakes??; what gives?; I think Wednesday should be mixing up some flapjacks, God damn it :9 ; Hailey grabs cooking utensils and eating accessories; she begins cooking P-006) Hailey replaces refrigerator items; she cooks bacon and scrambled eggs P-007 - P-008) Wednesday comes into the kitchen; she complains about how early it is; skip this ('cause, Wednesday and Hailey are getting up at the same time) P-009 - P-013) Hailey serves Wednesday breakfast; she pours her orange juice; Hailey gets herself milk; Hailey joins Wednesday at a kitchen table P-014 - P-017) Hailey says "since I maked breakfast, you gotta do the dishes."; then, she says she's kidding; bullshit!; anyway, the girls should make breakfast together; so, skip this P-018 - P-021) Wednesday starts doing dishes; she tells Hailey to get her ass ready P-022) descriptions of the girls' outfits; Hailey's outfit sucks; I'm not sure about Wednesday's, either :\ ; change?? P-023 - P-026) the girls discuss burning Hailey's clothes (in case Hailey's threads left behind trace evidence); they also discuss Glory High's security system P-027 - P-028) Hailey checks the weather through a window; descriptions of the sky P-029 - P-030) descriptions of Wednesday's front yard; Hailey checks Wednesday's newspaper P-031 - P-033) the girls leave; Hailey makes a big deal because Wednesday lights a smoke; uh-- no P-034 - P-035) Hailey thanks Wednesday for the clothes; this is much more sensible P-036 - P-037) Hailey talks *more* shit about Wednesday smoking; wtf? P-038 - P-041) Hailey kicks Wednesday in the butt; Wednesday tickles her; um-- P-042 - P-048) Wednesday talks shit about Hailey's outfit; strange-- Hailey is wearing Wednesday's clothes :\ ; probably skip this ('cause that's fuckin' dumb); and-- don't see why Hailey has to give Wednesday shit about smoking a cigarette P-049) Malley Mall descriptions (yeah, that would make sense) P-050 - P-055) catch up on things the girls did at the mall; Hailey comes out of a dressing room w/ some clothes on; Wednesday makes comments P-056 - P-060) Hailey comes out in something else; more comments P-061) more catchup P-062) the girls spot Travis and Jennifer; Hailey responds by showing Wednesday her tongue and pointing down her throat; kinda weird-- since Travis and his friends have tried to kill Hailey twice and Wednesday once; sayin'; the girls hide P-063 - P-066) Paul and Vicky meet their friends; Paul showcases Vicky (which seems dumb to me); Travis and Jennifer make pretentious comments (which also seems out of place); Travis and Paul discuss picking up acid P-067 - P-070) Hailey and Wednesday discuss that P-071 - P-076) Travis and his friends reveal where they will be dropping acid; they leave; the girls come out P-077 - P-079) Hailey and Wednesday discuss crashing Travis and his friends' party; Hailey should tell Wednesday she is ready to call Lloyd (I think) Chapter 22: "The Church" P-001) Hailey and Wednesday are sitting in Wednesday's living room; it's after six; Wednesday is hoping she doesn't have to walk to "the Church"; obviously, this changes a bit; Wednesday already knows about Lloyd at this point (which makes better logical sense); the first thing that bothers me is-- what were the girls doing from the time they got back to Wednesday's (around 11:00 - 11:30) and now?; I'd say they ate lunch, did dishes, and started washing Hailey's new clothes; so, mention this; maybe the girls have been discussing whether to call Lloyd all afternoon; this *is* a tough decision to make (after all) P-002 - P-006) conversation about how far outside of town the Church is; Hailey thinks of Lloyd P-007 - P-010) Hailey barely starts explaining about Lloyd picking her up; obviously, Hailey has explained all this at this point; Hailey refers to Lloyd as "her buddy"; smh P-011 - P-020) more about Lloyd and having his number; Wednesday tells Hailey she is rude because she has not called Lloyd, yet; I suppose-- more to skip P-021) Hailey dials Lloyd's number; here we go ;) P-022) Wednesday asks "you're gonna ask for his help-- to kill some classmates?"; I believe Hailey and Wednesday should have a long discussion about this; that can fill space that has been lost; Hailey could be (sorta) hesitant about calling; perhaps, she has been putting this off until six?? P-023 - P-027) Hailey tells Lloyd "hello."; Lloyd is like "who is this?"; mann-- Lloyd *knows* who the fuck it is; he recognizes Hailey's voice right away; he is (beyond) excited to hear from her; he can scarcely contain himself; God damn it P-028 - P-031) pretentious conversation P-032 - P-034) conversation about Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs P-035) Hailey says I called to ask you to kick Travis and his friends' asses; Lloyd (originally) offered to do this; he does not say that when he and Hailey meet, now P-036 - P-039) Hailey talks about how "bad" Travis and his friends are; uh-- Hailey slashed them up with knives; she torched Tate to death with a lighter and a can of rust remover spray; pretty sure she's not any better than they are; and, she knows it; instead, maybe talk about what happened a little; and then, mention that Hailey's friend is involved; and Travis and his friend's tried to kill them the night before P-040 - P-046) Lloyd reveals he does not like Travis and his friends; discussion about them; Hailey mentions Martin's involvement is creepy; Lloyd says: "not as creepy as killing a bunch of classmates." P-047 - P-050) turns out-- he's talking about Travis and his friend's killing his brother; this is a strange way of introducing this; just have Lloyd say something like: "yeah, I figured they beat you up the other night. I wondered if it was you who killed them. I've thought about it myself." P-051 - P-055) Hailey's like "meet me at my friend, Wednesday's."; I think Lloyd should just be like "where are you? I'll come pick you girls up." P-056) Lloyd shows up; the girls are climbing into his car before he's even sure he's at the right place; seems like a cheap plot trick to avoid doing actual work P-057) Lloyd descriptions P-058 - P-062) more cheap plot tricks (in conversation); I would expect some gratuity from Hailey; this will lead to more intimate conversation between her and Lloyd P-063 - P-065) Wednesday asks if Hailey and Lloyd are going steady; Hailey tells Lloyd Wednesday lives to embarrass her; not sure why this would embarrass her?? :\ P-066 - P-069) Wednesday teases Hailey about her lack of relationships; not sure she would do this??; this brings us to Lloyd saying he figured Hailey would have to beat guys off with sticks; what a childish way of saying he thinks Hailey is hot; he could just-- tell her that; for example, he could mention something about the way she looks in Wednesday's jeans; and then, Wednesday could be like "doesn't her ass look good in those??"; lol; Lloyd's like "man-- fuck, yeah." P-070) Hailey leads Lloyd to the Church; she never explains how she knows where it's at; I'd say something like-- she watched serruptitiously from the back of Vicky's Station Cruiser; but, I mean-- she wasn't wearing her glasses :\ ; maybe Lloyd *knows* where the Church is; I think this is more likely ;) ; descriptions of the Church scenery P-071 - P-073) Lloyd takes out a baseball bat w/ screws; Wednesday asks for a weapon P-074 - P-078) Hailey hands Wednesday a claw hammer; Wednesday begs for Hailey's gun; Hailey gives it to her; boy-- some pretentious dialog; keep a trash can nearby (for throwing up) P-079 - P-080) Hailey pockets lighter fluid + a plastic lighter; she also grabs a staple gun P-081 - P-083) Wednesday starts some shit w/ Hailey because Lloyd is a smoker; awww, fuckk--; get the fuck outta here w/ this shit; Lloyd just stomps his cigarette out; mann-- get rid o' this P-084 - P-089) more pretentious shit about smoking; for fuck's sake-- P-090 - P-097) Hailey asks Lloyd about his brother; Lloyd talks about wanting to get even w/ Travis and his friends; Lloyd explains about Sal being jumped over some robbery; he thinks that's why he was killed; Lloyd asks Hailey what *she* did P-098) a pitiful explanation of what happened; hell, you might as well just say: "Hailey explained what happened."; lol P-099 - P-101) information about LSD; mann-- skip this shit; fuckk; we get a sorta description about people tripping on acid at the Church P-102 - P-107) more descriptions of LSD hijinks; Martin leaves to take a piss P-108 - P-109) Martin is peeing; a shadow appears; staples begin puncturing Martin's skin; a claw hammer cracks Martin over the back of the head P-110 - P-111) Wednesday is standing over Martin w/ the hammer; Hailey tells Wednesday to hit Martin, again; she is unable to do it; Lloyd tells Hailey's friend it's okay; Lloyd sinks his ball bat into Martin's skull; Hailey takes Wednesday in her arms; I can (kinda) see this-- the idea of it; it is written pitifully; mention something like-- Wednesday tries to keep in mind Martin instructing Paul to tie her up; Lloyd says nothing to Martin before caving his head in; I'd like to see something like: "Martin Turner-- you remember my brother, Sal? he sends his regards."; you know-- something thoughtful P-112 - P-113) Hailey tells her friend "him or us."; Wednesday's like "they tried to kill us."; just-- not done right P-114) Lloyd smacks a door w/ his ball bat P-115 - P-118) acid freaked teenagers start freaking out; Travis decides the banging is Martin playing a prank; he decides he and Jennifer will open the door in Martin's face P-119 - P-120) Travis and Jennifer shove the door open; they tumble onto-- grass?; apparently the Church is surrounded by a "field of grass"; Lloyd clubs Jennifer with his ball bat; Wednesday closes the Church door P-121) Travis has a (sorta) decent reaction; it's not quite right; he should be freaking the fuck out P-122) some crap about Hailey having to have a "zinger" P-123) Hailey kills Travis w/ lighter fluid and a plastic lighter; she asks him about the-- Gauss formula? :\ ; what a letdown; maybe repeat something Travis said, earlier?; Travis tells Hailey (before she is hanged at the Church)-- "I hope it was worth it."; I'm kinda partial to: "You fucked with the wrong girl."; lol; Lloyd has to tear the lighter fluid away from Hailey's fingers; I would expect Travis to fight back; Hailey might have to stomp on him; def-- Lloyd should be beating Travis w/ a bat; I'm not sure Lloyd would be having to tear the lighter fluid out of Hailey's hands; Hailey has a fair amount of self control P-124 - P-131) look-- at this dumb shit; look at it; Vicky steals the gun from Wednesday; man-- even that is sorta pretentious P-132 - P-134) Vicky has a halfway decent reaction; she points Hailey's mom's gun around; she perceives movement and melting faces; she's unclear about what's going on (due to LSD); the door opens; Vicky fires; she shoots Paul; Paul dies in Vicky's arms P-135) Vicky shoots herself in the head Chapter 23: "Ceasefire" P-001) what do you know-- another pretentious introduction; lol; GET RID OF IT; for fuck's sake P-002 - P-009) Wednesday: "anybody got any ideas?"; why the fuck is Wednesday asking this??; Hailey is curious about some unmarked barrels; Hailey is talking about "you can't prove murder w/o a body."; we are hoping murder cannot be proven if the bodies are engulfed by thermite (thermite is not an idea, yet; but I can see where this is going); I suppose this is an okay train of thought P-010 - P-013) we have rust; Hailey tosses Wednesday a screwdriver P-014 - P-019) Wednesday discovers powdered aluminum; exothermic reactions are discussed P-020 - P-025) a specific number of barrels are discussed (eight); interesting; apparently, Hailey believes there is enough material to get rid of the bodies and their cars; she seems to think the whole place can be burned down with that; well-- that's probably stretching things; Hailey finds sparklers :D P-026 - P-029) more about exothermic reactions (the fire dept will not be able to put the fire out) P-030 - P-033) Lloyd reveals the Church used to mix automotive paints P-034 - P-036) discussion about pigments; thermite mixture quantity P-037 - P-039) Hailey believes the shovels they are using are the ones Travis and his friends buried her w/ P-040 - P-052) thermite mixing; Lloyd decides to go get his car (they want it ready when the fire starts) P-053 - P-057) Wednesday is not sure she can trust Lloyd to come back; this is a consequence of the original narrative-- in that Hailey and Lloyd's relationship is unclear; thanks to careful craftsmanship (and actual romance), this is no longer an issue; we do *not* need everyone to go back to the car right now-- anyway; they can mix the shit, first; then, they can grab the car; then, they can come back and start the fire; jeez P-058 - P-065) yeah-- more dancing to keep Lloyd from leaving for the car; then, they decide to wait and get it later; for fuck's sake-- this could have all been skipped; damn P-066 - P-074) stupidity about Wednesday being jealous of Lloyd; oh, my God-- fucking SKIP P-075) supposed to be Hailey and Lloyd's first kiss; I changed *that* shit in the last chapter ('cause, why in the fuck would Hailey not try to kiss Lloyd before they go into the Church; duh); anyway, they can kiss again (I suppose); this pretentious shit is taking place-- still due to the previous conversation about Wednesday being jealous of Lloyd; how fucking ridiculous is this??; they can just fucking kiss; kissing is normal human behavior; it does not need a reason; Jesus Christ P-076 - P-078) more BS about jealousy; Hailey says something about this being her and Lloyd's first date; how childish is this section? P-079 - P-082) something about Lloyd wanting one more kiss; blah, blah; if I paid somebody a million dollars to write this-- I would still remove it ;) P-083) here we go-- stacking bodies on top of a mountain of thermite; this is actually useful; Travis' body makes Hailey throw up; for some reason, Hailey throws up right on Jennifer's face; I'm not sure why??; Lloyd's bat is still poking out of Jennifer's scalp; uh-- that changed (so, get rid of it) P-084 - P-086) Lloyd offers Hailey a mint; lol; can't make this shit up; if we're still going to do all of this-- Hailey should *ask* for a mint; duh P-087 - P-089) Wednesday totally freaks out (because Jennifer's body has puke on it); she refuses to move Jennifer's body; not funny; not fucking funny-- at all; Wednesday would move the earth for her friend-- even if it had Hailey's puke all over it; I'm telling you (I've *been* telling you, 25 year old Michael)-- that is who Wednesday is P-090 - P-092) more shit about Hailey's puke; I don't give a fuck about it; but, I am still being told about it; Hailey offers to make Wednesday more breakfast while she is grossing out about vomit; I can't see two girls doing this; two guys-- sure; these girls will not have this conversation; Hailey will just be like-- "I am sooo sorry."; and, Wednesday will probably just be like "Hailey-- everybody pukes. are you okay? then, it's cool." P-093 - P-095) Lloyd's like "I was thinking dinner-- possibly a movie." P-096) Hailey is already scheming for Lloyd to take her by her house the next day; really?; this is *not* mentioned here; fuck no P-097) Jennifer's body is tossed onto a pile of thermite; man-- it is about God damn time P-098) ohh-- Hailey barely reveals her house was burned down; no-- I have already taken care of this; Hailey does not wait until just now to tell Lloyd this; she discusses it on the way to the Church (out of guilt) P-099) Hailey and Lloyd park Martin's Cutler and Travis' pickup on top of the bodies; they pack them w/ thermite; they remove the vehicles' VIN numbers (which is pretty smart); what's not so smart-- why in the fuck don't they just drive one vehicle or the other (or, both) back to Lloyd's car?; then, they can drive everything back?; then, they can drive the cars on top of the thermite?; then, they can remove VIN numbers, pack thermite, etc?; yeah-- that makes a lot more sense to me P-100) they walk back to the car; what a waste of fucking time P-101 - P-122) discussion about Hailey's last words to Travis (now changed); long ass conversation about summation series; who-- gives-- a-- fuck????; Gyadddd P-123) they make it back to Lloyd's Cammy; ah-- here we go; they complain about being worn out; well, I mean-- they had their pick of Travis or Martin's vehicles; the answer was RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF THEM; for some strange reason-- they chose to walk!!!!; AHH!!!; I'm dyin' xP P-124 - P-127) they start driving back; I guess we gotta follow them all the way back, too; lol P-128) Hailey hops out; she lights the fucking thermite; man-- the God damn thermite is lit; lol P-129 - P-131) they fucking drive off; Hailey reminds Wednesday not to look at the thermite burning (which she has said-- like five hundred times, now); not sure why Lloyd and Wednesday don't go w/ Hailey; they are her friends; they love her; they wanna do stuff w/ her; it would be kinda cute; if nothing else-- they are (at least somewhat) interested in watching Hailey light a mountain of rocket fuel; who wouldn't be?; just sayin' Chapter 24: "Sunday" P-001 - P-006) Detective Moore parks beside Hailey's house; Hailey's neighborhood crack-head asks Moore for money; Moore claims he left his billfold at home-- and that he spent the last bit of change he had on a cup of coffee P-007 - P-009) Moore shows his billfold to an officer standing in front of the entrance to Hailey's house; it contains Moore's badge; clearly, Moore was lying to the crack-head; lol; Moore walks into what's left of Hailey's house; Harris greets Moore P-010 - P-014) Harris reveals details about Helen and Hailey; descriptions of the inside of Hailey's house P-015 - P-019) Moore wants to talk to Hailey; he believes Hailey will be by to see him pretty soon; he doesn't think Helen will be coming by; Moore, Harris, and the uniformed officer are *never* described (clothing, etc) P-020) Hailey, Wednesday, and Lloyd are sitting outside Hailey's house in the Cammy; descriptions of their clothes (thank you) P-021 - P-023) Hailey is hesitant to go into her house; she suggests waiting until the police are gone P-024) the officer blocking the door is described a little (fucking-- thank you very much) P-025 - P-026) Hailey, Wednesday, and Lloyd get out of Lloyd's Cammy; Wednesday and Lloyd have to drag Hailey to the house; hmm-- no; you know-- if Hailey doesn't want to go into her house, her friends are not going to force her to do that; this seems like a cheap plot trick to avoid actual work; man-- am I tired of seeing this P-027 - P-030) the officer in front of the door tells Hailey Detective Moore would like to ask her some questions; Hailey tells him she does not know where her mother is (when asked) P-031) descriptions of Hailey's fucked up house; descriptions of Moore (oh-- *now*, we get fucking descriptions) P-032 - P-034) Moore introduces himself P-035) Hailey tells Moore he doesn't look like an arson cop-- more like a homicide detective; lol P-036 - P-037) Moore reveals he *is* w/ homicide; Hailey introduces her friends; she asks permission to pick up some of her stuff P-038 - P-040) Moore asks Hailey about her mom P-041 - P-045) Harris asks Hailey about "missing kids" (that would be Travis and his friends); Moore continues the inquiry; he reminds Hailey she had a fight with Travis and Jennifer on Thursday P-046) Hailey responds by saying "I don't feel like talking about this right now."; she insists on picking up her stuff and leaving; actually-- a very intelligent response P-047) Harris asks where Hailey is "going"; Hailey explains she is staying w/ Wednesday P-048 - P-052) Moore asks Hailey about her mom-- again; can't get nothing past this guy; lol; Hailey insists (yet again) on grabbing her stuff and leaving P-053 - P-057) Moore and Harris let Hailey and her friends go about their business; Moore stops Hailey w/-- one more question; lol; can you tell who this character is based on??; Moore only asks if Hailey was aware her house burned down; Hailey explains she read about it in Wednesday's paper; she does not mention the day (but, I assume Moore will probably be wanting to know what day the house was written about); this is all-- very, very thoughtful; probably some of the most thoughtful material in the story (if I do say) P-058) so-- Hailey's bedroom details; Hailey finds her stuffed kitty; it is partially burnt :( P-059 - P-060) not much survived the fire; Wednesday finds what is left of her coat; lol P-061 - P-063) Hailey apologizes about Wednesday's jacket; she says she'll buy her a new one; Wednesday says "it's fine"; she says her parents will buy her some new stuff; Hailey kinda doubts that P-064 - P-066) okay-- so then, they leave; why the fuck did they go in??; they're not even gonna look through Hailey's mom's room?; not at all??; there had better be a damn good reason for that; Lloyd *pats Hailey on the fucking head* as she walks out of her room; fuckk thattttt-- D:< P-067) Moore assures Hailey on her way out that he will see her again; :D ; the interactions between Detective Moore and Hailey are priceless; they really build up tension for the follow-up story; Moore is asking the right questions; and, Hailey is giving the answers that an innocent person should give; I am *shocked* I put this amount of thought into this-- since so many other things have been given little to no consideration WHATSOEVER Chapter 25: "Monday" P-001) descriptions of the girls and Mrs. Williams' car; no descriptions of Mrs. Williams D:< P-002 - P-006) Wednesday's mom is not sure the girls should go to school-- after what happened Friday; Hailey is anxious to make up her Algebra II test and replace her textbooks P-007) Wednesday's mom thinks the school should've been closed; this is actually a legitimate point-- why *is* the school not closed?? P-008) this shit is dumb; lol; change it P-009) Mrs. Williams tells the girls to call her immediately if there is a problem; she mentions nothing to Hailey about her house burning down-- or her mom missing; Hailey does not thank Mrs. Williams for allowing her to stay w/ them; Mrs. Williams is portrayed as being concerned about the girls going to school-- but she does not give them hugs good-bye??; man-- I wanna see these loose ends tied up; plus, we know Wednesday's mom is a colorful character-- just like Wednesday; but, we see very little of her; I do not understand why she is here-- at all; put her in the story, or get rid of her P-010 - P-014) look at this dumb shit; look at it P-015) Lloyd shows up; yay! :D P-016 - P-019) Lloyd says he just came to hang out; he says he does not smoke early in the morning?; wtf??; fuck that P-020 - P-025) Lloyd asks Hailey out on a date; boy-- is it pitiful (probably because no romance was built up in the original version; this should go much more smoothly, now) P-026 - P-030) the girls criticize Lloyd's technique of asking Hailey out; lol; he kinda deserves it (in retrospect); uh-- this will change, now P-031 - P-034) Hailey asks Lloyd why he stopped to pick her up Thursday night; um-- I think she understands why; the idea of this is to lead in to: "well-- I couldn't leave you there."; any different way to approach this (and make it usable)? P-035) Lloyd asks Hailey if she *still* feels alone (due to previous conversation); man-- she never did; wtf?; how pretentious P-036 - P-045) group hug?; wtf?; psychotic, teenage killers sure are strange :\ ; Hailey steals Wednesday's smoke??; no; it keeps-- going; ughh-- xP ; man-- fuckk no P-046 - P-048) Wednesday discovers she forgot to do her Psychology homework, again; will Hailey have hers??; I would say-- both girls will be stuck doing their homework; or-- Hailey re-did hers the night before using Wednesday's book P-049 - P-055) Hailey, Wednesday, and Lloyd get to class; Wednesday hands her homework to Mr. Tinney when she walks through the door; Mr. Tinney jokes that Wednesday did the wrong questions P-056) Hailey and her friends sit down P-057 - P-059) Mr. Tinney tells the class Gary will not be joining them; uh-- no, he doesn't; no fuckin' way; maybe he gazes at Gary's chair; and then, he notices Travis is not there; but, he doesn't say shit about Gary; Mr. Tinney goes on to explain Gary and three others were murdered Friday; for fuck's sake-- he does not do this P-060 - P-064) everyone kinda starts talking to each other (due to previous revelations); Hailey suggests her group should do the same-- in order to avoid looking suspicious; well-- that shit don't happen; nope P-065) Mr. Tinney explains class will be interrupted for a moment of silence (due to Friday's incident); sure-- he might say *this*; Mr. Tinney asks for everybody's homework; then, he writes "Schizophrenia" on the board P-066 - P-070) Mr. Tinney asks about schizophrenia; Gwen describes dissociative identity disorder; Hailey explains the correct definition P-071) when Mr. Tinney isn't looking, Gwen flips Hailey off; she mouths the word "bitch" P-072 - P-073) well-- it's not okay (apparently); fin